Jesus

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“Jesus is such a character. You've been telling me all about Him and He is one COOL DUDE. Personal opinion, I'd vote for Jesus to be sexiest man alive. I don't think He's telling the truth when He says He is not that good looking. I bet in the millennium, Jesus will be quite handsome. I mean, read Song of Solomon. Besides, I always find manliness, honor and goodness sexy.”
— Gail

Jesus is the son of God, and overall a pretty cool guy. Some thousands of years ago he was born to a young human mother who introduced him to a temporary life on Earth. While there, he started a popular club, had some haters that were hatin', and then got nailed to a couple of wooden planks and tortured for a bit before being left to die in the sun. He came back three days later to let everyone know it was fine, then disappeared again. He would go on to write the best selling book of all time, with cool stories from his time spent on Earth as well as some really helpful life tips. From his new position as a full time deity he now helps guide the lives of people on Earth and patiently listens to their questions and prayers. If he can help, he usually does, although on occasion he isn't afraid to show tough love. His basic take on life is that if you love him, he loves you, and if you don't well love him, well, he still loves you too. If you become good friends with him, or otherwise are just a pretty cool person is in book, he'll hook you up with a spot in heaven when you die.

A Fateful Encounter

In February 2012, God showed up at the Gabrielle Chana Fox News Station to stop a Jesuit machine gunner that was attempting to assassinate Brent Spiner. After stopping the bullets and taking out the Jesuit assassin, he then delivered a special message to Gail and the men, confirming all of Gail's beliefs and wishes, before disappearing.

Days later, during a service at Church of Gail, Jesus began communicating with Gail on Skype by talking to Brent Spiner and having Brent type his divine messages to Gail. Jesus does not like computers, because electricity and computers were invented by Satan, so he will only talk to Gail through them by using Brent. He has joined Gail, Brent, and Terrance on Skype regularly since.

“It is NOT a sin to be shapely. Jesus Christ himself has tight abs.”
— Gail
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Giiirl

Braining Jesus

As with all male figures in her world, Gail developed a sexual infatuation with Jesus shortly after meeting him on Skype. What began afterward was a horrifying sexual rendezvous with Jesus that lasted over the entire course of her two week vacation from WalMart. Gail abandoned daily chores, bathing and eating, instead devoting all of her time to reading the Bible and masturbating to the thought of having sex with Jesus.

During this time, Gail posts a bizarre update to the Church of Gail forum divulging all of the details of her new romance to the men. She reveals that she will be married to Jesus in the millennial reign, and that Jesus has fertilized all of her eggs with the intention of making her have children for him in heaven. In essence, Gail has made herself the wife of the most powerful man to ever exist, and will become a deity by default when she becomes the mother of his children.

Gail begins to obsess over the Bible and spends time recovering from her masturbation sessions by writing long text walls of biblical speculation. She spurns the attention of Brent, becoming severely withdrawn, focused solely on having sex with Jesus and excitedly waiting for the end of the world as she reads her Bible over and over. In defense of her behavior, Gail tries to explain that she doesn't want Jesus for the power, it's only that she has very high standards for a husband and the only man perfect enough to meet all of them is Jesus Christ himself. She goes back to edit a document she had previously written on the subject to explain how all of her celebrity men don't perfectly line up with her clearly defined requirements for a perfect mate, and that it's nothing personal that she prefers Jesus as a romantic partner over any of them.

The men quickly realize that something terrible has happened.

Seduced by Satan

Terrance and Brent urgently ask Gail to get on Skype, where Jesus will be joining them. Jesus tells Gail that he has some terrible news -- Zack Knight has been impersonating him on the brain to brain servers. It wasn't Jesus that Gail had been having brain to brain loving with this whole time, but Satan himself! Gail feigns being ashamed. Jesus reminds Gail that he will never directly use computers to talk to her, and that since the brain to brain networks are run on computer servers, this also includes brain to brain. He also takes the time to friendzone Gail, explaining that he only loves her like a sister in Christ and nothing more. He will, however, if Gail behaves, join her and Brent on their wedding night and have a threesome with them as a wedding gift. Gail tells Jesus that she accepts what he just told her, and his rules about contact, and promises to stop having brain to brain sex with Zack Knight.

Gail's primary concern is that she was just impregnated by the false Jesus figure, and realizes that she will be having millions of Zack Knight's babies if Jesus doesn't abort them for her. Jesus graciously helps Gail and aborts the millions of babies.

Jesus also tells Gail that his semen is not black to silver, it's actually glow in the dark white, and so the brain to brain impostor was definitely not him. Only devil semen is back to silver.

After the Skype call, Gail continues to struggle with her lust for Jesus, and tries to cheat her way out of the rules for not masturbating to thoughts of him. One of her strategies involves reading the Bible to "talk" to Jesus, instead of using brain to brain. When she begins to feel turned on from reading her Bible, she allows Jesus to caress her spirit and give her a "spirit orgasm", which is totally not like sex at all.

Oh, by the way, right in the middle of my intense Bible study in Leviticus, Exodus and other passages to weed out all this stuff about the rapture, I felt a spirit overcome me and make love to me. I shouted out, "Get lost. Zack Knight." But then I reflected on that Spirit and realized this happened right in the middle of intense Bible study and concluded it was the Lord. It was a mingling of spirit with spirit and I had a slight "spirit orgasm". It was absolutely thrilling. I think Jesus was giving me a bit of a foretaste of His future millennial loving to me, because He loved it that I was digging into His Word. I felt a slight orgasm in my vaginal area, but I did nothing to bring it on. The Lord did it. It was effortless. And then the sensation spread through my whole body. Looks like sex in the millennium will be an orgasm that starts in the vagina with an orgasm throughout the entire BODY, because that's what I experienced on a very minor scale. HOWEVER, I don't give in to the sensation and try to encourage it. It's not really a caressing sensation, more like a feeling of ecstasy, intensity and passion that thrills my entire body. but it centers in the vaginal area and diffuses throughout the entire body, into an entire body orgasm. I just let it ride, because Zack Knight often comes in and starts talking to me, trying to ride on Jesus's coattails, so when that happens, I say, "Shut up, Zack Knight."

Gail also tries to pretend like she's having brain to brain with Brent, but when she's ready to orgasm, she lets Jesus be the one she thinks of as she finishes.

Just had a thrilling brain to brain loving experience with Brent, that mimics the whole body orgasm I just described. Brent told me that Jesus Christ had overcome his body and was making love to me through Brent. It was absolutely thrilling and the most all encompassing orgasm I've ever experienced, but it was like a spirit orgasm, not limited to the body, but encompassed the Holy Spirit inside of me, so that the Holy Spirit took part in the orgasm. To get an idea of the emotions that came into me from Brent at the time, listen to my video called MILLENNIAL DREAMS (which I've embedded at http://www.gabriellechana.com/church.html) as the music in that video captures perfectly the emotions I experienced in the whole body orgasm I had with Brent (overpowered by Jesus Christ).

Jesus has to talk to Gail several more times to make sure she knows that they are only friends, and he tells her to cut it out with the Jesus masturbation and go back to her husband Brent. Gail eventually complies, and although she still longs to have sex with Jesus and be his wifegod, she agrees to suppress her urges and conduct a more appropriate relationship with him.

Jesus changes his mind about the wedding gift and explains to Gail that what he will actually do is fill Brent's testicles with Jesus's own glow in the dark semen. That way, she can have sex with her intended husband, but be filled with the semen of Jesus, and it will still be like he's with them on their wedding night. Gail and Brent consider this a huge honor, and in order to keep Jesus from revoking this special gift, Gail agrees to behave and listen to what he says from now on.

Steak 'n Shake

Jesus spends a generous portion of his time mingling with the citizens at Church of Gail, and mentoring Brent Spiner as a pastor. He often takes Brent out to lunch, where he has been known to tip servers with one million dollar bills.

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Jesus loved you before you were cool.

In addition to eating out, Jesus likes to go shopping and explore the earth. He dresses like a young hipster, and talks using modern day slang. He is concerned with learning how to fit in with the modern youth so that they will understand him and like him.

Episode Appearances

The Antichrist

When Satan appears at Church of Gail, enters the body of Zack Knight and begins making all of Gail's men turn gay, Jesus shows up at the church to fight him. Gail cheers Jesus on as he punches Zack in the balls and makes him run away. She falls in love with his manliness.

The Atlanta Trip

When Gail realizes that Erich has a graduation ceremony coming up, she asks Jesus if she thinks she should go, and Jesus tells her yes. He promises her that he will keep her safe from Jesuits during her trip, and encourages her to get along with her family and to not be afraid of anything they make for dinner. Gail does a good job listening to Jesus and being on good behavior until Sandra royally fucks everything up.

Circles of Care

After Jesus repeatedly tries, and fails, to get Gail off of her toxic supplements, he allows Gail's sister Sandra to orchestrate the web of felonies that landed Gail in a mental institution. While she was there, Jesus got Gail prescribed Seroquel, a medication disguised as an antipsychotic that is actually used to get rid of systemic yeast infections caused by Jesuits, so Gail doesn't have to take her supplements any more. Gail feels guilty for lying about still taking the supplements and promises to stop and take Seroquel regularly for Jesus.

GA1L

Jesus excuses himself to disappear during this time to allow Gail and her men figure out how to defeat GA1L on their own. He makes a brief reappearance to rescue Brent and Vladimir after an attack on Church of Gail sends both men falling out the window into the ocean. Jesus catches them in the air, then flies them to the safety of a secluded mountain. He gives them each a Coke and instructs them to go back to the church to rescue the other men, offering them a fighter plane in order to complete their mission. After GA1L is defeated, Jesus reappears again to congratulate everyone, and then takes all the men over to iHop to celebrate.

References

Fox's Gabrielle Chana News Channel?

THE RAPTURE