The Dildo: Difference between revisions
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The dildo, a realistic silicon penis of unusable proportions, was presented to Gail as a Christmas present from her men in 2011. It has since appeared in several videos, including a special cameo appearance in Gail’s own feature-length movie The Rape of Brent Spiner File:Video.gif. Gail is not at all shy to discuss the toy with the general public and considers it symbolic of not only the love of her men, but proof that they exist. Attempts to use the dildo have resulted in several awkward videos that highlight Gail's stunted sexual history and confused ideas about how sex actually works.
The Dimensions
The dildo is a solid 9 inches in length with a girth of 2.5 inches in diameter. The dildo has one accurately sized testicle from each man (Brent’s is the smaller one). As the men explained to Gail, the dildo was created to be a perfect replica of Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin’s penises, combined together in one singular phallic mosaic. Gail was immediately suspicious, because she thought that the men's penises were much bigger than the model she was being presented with. She proceeded to question the men about this. In order to soothe Gail, the men explained that the original prototype had what Gail reported to be Brent’s length (18 inches) with Vladimir’s girth (that of a soda can), but due to the mens’ generous sizes, the final dildo given to Gail had to be sized down by half of their real dimensions in order for her to be able to use it comfortably.
Gail still has yet to actually fit the dildo inside her.
Nevertheless, Gail not only continued to believe that the men’s penises are still the original size she had decided pre-dildo, she has since described Brent’s penis as having even larger dimensions than before. Faced with the reality of what this situation would actually entail after having tried and failed to use the much smaller, still too large dildo, she has added an addendum to her fantasy that in order to have sex, she will use nanotechnology to cause her vagina to expand and lengthen so that it goes all the way up to her throat to accommodate Brent.
The Unboxing
The men requested that Gail get on Skype and allow them to watch her opening her present. For a moment, Gail sincerely believed that the dildo might have been alive. A creeped out Brent quickly told her no. Gail initially expressed disappointment because she was hoping the men were going to buy her a cell phone. The disappointment carried over into suspicion when Gail realized that her men's penises were much bigger than what the dildo represented, and Brent had to explain why that was. Satisfied, Gail revealed the expired lube she'd been keeping for over a decade waiting for Brent to use it with her, and mentions how 9/11 ruined the one chance she had to get laid by Brent.
| Gail's Merry Christmas 2011 | |
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| Crazy Gail Videos | |
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Gail and her men discussed the gift on the Church of Gail forums, and Gail had the following to say in reaction to receiving her gift.
I tried out my Christmas gift, and I must say that with Vladimir, it may be a bit of a challenge, but with K-Y jelly and a man's force, it could be done. I have some swollen vaginal tissues from the yeast infection, but I know my ex-husband's penis was about that size and we did fine, so I think it just requires a man's force. Your present makes our brain to brain loving seem more real. And now I must go and get ready for work. If I recall, the opening is tight, but once my husband was in, it was fine. This kind of makes up for the fact, that I can't be with you all. It would be nice if my yeast infection could be cured. If I ever really did marry one of you guys in the normal sense of the word, it would make our sex life so much better, if the yeast infection could be cured. However, Brent and Vladimir have already communicated with me brain to brain and said they would gladly work this out with me and come up with a compromise, even if we couldn't have sex in the normal way.
I'm actually quite touched by your Christmas present to me and will treasure it. You all realize that what I love most about all of you, is that you all are great lovers. It's not your fame, your money or any of the shallow things I love about you, but what I love most is the intimacy and oneness we share with each other. We are one in every way, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual and we can read each other's thoughts and emotions and yet despite our total transparency with each other, the love is strong and true, and your gift to me is a symbol of all that. I'm truly touched.
Your gift helps me to approximate what it may be like to have actual sex with Brent or Vladimir. I really don't think we'd have major problems, and Vladimir has assured me that if he ever had the opportunity to make it real, he'd go slow and easy at the beginning. He's not an abusive lover like the Jesuits try to portray him. Despite your girth, my dear Vladimir, I'm sure we could work it out. It's kind of hard for me to approximate a man's movements without the man actually doing it, and I don't have a man's muscular strength. But I love your present because it makes our brain to brain loving seem more real, though, of course, only if you were really here with me, would it be real and would I experience the movements as you would do them, and if you did the movements, I think the sex would work. I am certain that both Vladimir and Brent would be very considerate lovers, and exciting lovers, too. When we have our brain to brain loving, we are very transparent with each other, and Vladimir warned me about his girth years ago. Brent you warned me about accommodations we'd have to make if we ever got together. Because the main attraction between us is the oneness and intimacy, as opposed to the actual sexual act, the love between us will always be strong, even if the Jesuits cut off your penises. I'm sure of that. What we have is real, and the intimacy, which is more than physical, is very exciting. It's just that the Jesuits deny us the actual physical and we try to make up for that, so that explains your Chrstmas present to me.
The TMI
As with most sexual or intimate bodily subjects, Gail is fairly open to discussion about the dildo if at all asked – and sometimes if not asked. During her in-person meeting at her apartment with Tyrone Jenkins and Melanie Richards, the first topic of conversation was none other than her dildo. Gail wanted to show Tyrone and Melanie proof that her men existed and disappeared into her closet, returning with the dildo in hand.
The Accessories
In order to use the dildo, Gail requires a form of lubricant. Given her age and the size of the mammolithic object in question, this would otherwise go without saying. Strangely however, as described in the leaked preparation video, Gail explained that she has always needed lubricant even in her twenties while having sex with David. Gail may not realize that normal intercourse between heterosexual couples usually doesn't require this. Considering that all she knows about sex came from David, her only real life sexual partner and a confirmed homo, it may be David that introduced the concept of needing lube every time, as he had simply never thought about how vaginas worked. Regardless, Gail is prepared for sex and has had the following materials to use with dildo masturbation.
The Expired KY
Back in the 90’s, when Gail was convinced that Brent Spiner was coming to rescue her from her dull marriage and have sex with her, Gail purchased a tube of KY jelly specifically to be ready for him. This tube of KY physically symbolizes lies Gail told about having the resolve to not cheat on her husband sexually, which technically prevented her from being an adulterer. The truth was simply that she had not had the opportunity to cheat yet and in fact was ready to pop open the lube, lay out the green towel, and ask Jesus for forgiveness at any moment. The existence of the KY was revealed during the Skype call in which the men watched Gail unwrap her Christmas dildo. It turns out that Gail had kept the tube of KY, ever patient, for over 10 years since she first purchased it. It had been long enough for the lube to actually expire. Gail figured she could still use the KY anyway, but a startled Terrance insisted she not do that. Gail complied with his concerns and all was thought to be well on the issue, except instead of buying a fresh bottle of lube as implied by the advice, Gail did something far worse.
The Yeast Killing Cream
In the Leaked Gail Video, Gail revealed to everyone what she decided to use instead of the KY jelly. It turned out that she thought it would be better to use medicated cream intended for the treatment of yeast infection. More horrifying than the idea of coating her dildo in expired KY intended for Brent Spiner, the use of the yeast cream undoubtedly would cause more drying and irritation, especially considering that Gail does not have a yeast infection and that using the fungicidal medication without an infection can result in the development of an actual one.
In the end, the use of either choice of lubricant did not help Gail successfully use the dildo.
The Appearances
Since its reception, the dildo has appeared in the following videos:
• Gail's Merry Christmas 2011 The first unboxing of the dildo (as appears above).
• Leaked Gail Video (no nudity) Gail prepares to use the dildo for the first time and makes an introductory video to her men. She shares some of her thoughts about the present and is then depicted applying yeast cream to the tip to serve as lube.
• The Dildo Video (NSFW) Classified from public viewing.
• (Comedy) Zack Knight Collects Gail Dildo Pictures Gail further explains her situation with the dildo after Zack Knight leaks the video of her preparing to use it. She briefly adorns it with a tinfoil hat.
• The Rape of Brent Spiner The dildo appears in the scene with Loree McBride raping Brent Spiner. Gail enters the room in a mystical fashion, with the dildo strapped oddly to her waist with tape. The dildo also appears in the scene where Brent is being forced to rape Spot, and Gail, playing Loree McBride, is depicted beating Spot with the dildo. The dildo appears again in the scene where McCauly Caulkin is raped. Gail, playing the part of McCauly, puts it in her mouth.
• Brent Spiner and Vladimir Putin's Christmas Present To Gail This mysterious music video was released shortly after Gail opened the Christmas present from her men. She does not tell the public what it is, and although the dildo itself doesn't make an appearance in the video, the video was intended to speak her feelings about it.
Conclusions
Although Gail has yet to successfully accommodate the dildo due to its massive size, she reports that just looking at it when she comes home sexually arouses her, and is in fact quite proud to have it in her possession. She cites the gift as yet another piece of firm, unyielding, rock hard proof that her men are not trolls.